Today I reflect back on my life pre-LDR.
I was a man.
Well… that hasn’t changed.
Let me begin again. I was a man with simple goals in life: live for God, find a woman, and work in the entertainment industry.
I’ll tell you now, I had noooo idea the impact each of those things would have in my life. Living for God has required giving up some things in my life, as well as taking on some challenges I felt were impossible. And if I had tried by my strength, they would have been impossible. But hey, God has a way of making the impossible possible.
I thought finding a woman would mean meeting a nice gal at church. Or at least in a city nearby!
She was 3000 miles away, and in another country. I’ve always had a knack for making life hard for myself. And this was after I said I’d never do long distance again!
Jack of all trades, master of nothing
Working in the entertainment industry, heh, this sucker is an illusive beast! I suspect it’s partly because for years I’ve lacked self motivation, discipline, personal drive, and… and… and focus! Instead of choosing a discipline and chasing it with everything I had, I’ve switched again and again over the last five years.
I went from music to being a roadie, then to sound recording for films, then to sound editing, then to music composition for films, then to script writing and working on animation, and then to more composition and sound editing. And now?
I’m writin’ novels.
There are times I look back over my life and wonder: will I ever become established in a particular discipline, or will I just continue to bounce between things, really nailing down how to go in circles?
It’s a matter of faith
Two years ago, this would have really concerned me. But the last couple years of my life have been an epic learning and growing period for me. The number one thing has been my faith in God. My faith that He can, and will, do crazy things in and through my life.
I had a lightbulb moment recently at a study done by my church. The study was on spiritual gifts and identifying them in our lives. The number one gift that has stood out in my life is faith, which at first seemed crazy to me. I’m a pessimist; my wife will tell you that! I get easily depressed and incredibly negative.
As I sat down and really looked at my life, my attitude during certain trials, and how I felt through some difficult times, one thing became clear to me. At the start of almost all the situations that had a positive outcome, I had felt a strange, inexplicable feeling of peace. Unfortunately, my pessimistic nature would kick into high gear and crush that feeling of peace, and I would drive myself into depression over how horrible things were.
But they never turned out as bad as I thought they would.
During my journey moving overseas, I had some epic moments like that. It confused and frustrated me that I could start off feeling at peace, trusting God to work things out, but then be so quickly overwhelmed.
At first the feeling of peace only lasted minutes before it was crushed. And then an hour later things turned out fine.
Then it lasted an hour before being crushed, and shortly everything was fine.
This pattern continued until just over a month ago, when I realised that, okay, maybe the Holy Spirit has given me the spiritual gift of faith.
So I decided I would put this to the test. Next time something started going wrong in my life and I felt that peace, I would jot it down in my journal. I’d write that I trusted God was going to work this situation out, and what I believed the result would be. And I would pray as much.
The first time I did this, I could barely focus all day. It was HARD. My pessimistic nature fought to take over, and it’s only by the grace of God that I remained firm on my faith throughout.
I could hardly believe it when God worked that situation out as I’d prayed He would, as I’d said I believed He would.
Now I have half a dozen such situations written down in my journal. Not as credit to me, but credit to my God; a record of what He is doing in my life.
So as I work from home writing novels, going against all the conventional wisdom of the world, I only have one defence:
I believe God has me where He wants me, and I have faith that what I’m doing is right.